Fear of forgetting

Ever since 2013, I’ve established a practice of keeping notes. It started as a pocket notepad and evolved into using multiple notes apps. I’m up to 4 now. Realistically, I should pare it down to 2. There’s one with a search function and sorting by color and the other is like a web of notes that you can expand(Colornote and Mindly). I think of myself as having a good memory for long-term things. I have found it very helpful to keep notes on things such as my mood or thoughts of the current day, as well as what I want to purchase in the future or gift ideas for friends. I have tattoo ideas galore, tracking good food in my city, as well as tracking pain, medical things, that sort of stuff.

I will likely take notes forever. It’s a physical/digital repository of things to revisit later to save me time and worry. But it’s also become a manifestation of clinging onto so many things. So much so that I don’t actually ever re-read or organize. I have far too many browser tabs on my computer and phone. I can feel the clutter mentally when I open up these apps on my phone. I feel out of balance. I am the type to enjoy sorting, purging, and optimizing things. But it’s become so much stuff that I will need hours to identify where each note I’ve made belongs, how relevant it still is, and it feels like I’d be better off just erasing most of it. And yet. I’m unwilling to let it all go just like that.

I started therapy in 2018 and the amount of introspection and learning I’ve recorded these 8 years is more than a lot. I have repeatedly revisited a few notes and been reminded of important insights or perspectives.

So, the fear. At its core I think it comes from good intentions. I want to feel better and be better at taking care of myself and accomplishing what I want in my life. Great! But it’s built up to the point that what I’ve written is near inaccessible and more than is worth my time. Maybe what I’m talking about is just a big project I’ve been putting off. More broadly then. I don’t like forgetting things. Especially when it comes to relationships. People’s names, their pets’ names, birthdays, what they’ve already told me about what they’re doing or going through. I take my forgetfulness to mean that I don’t care or wasn’t paying attention and therefore I’m a bad friend/person. I also tend to procrastinate things. Something like renewing my passport has been left undone for years. It will feel important one day but 2 days later I forget its importance and relevance. That also feels bad. wahhhh.

I know part of all this is that I give it more space in my mind than I need to, so it feels bigger than it is. I stress a lot over doing things, doing things on time, and it’s just a lot that I’m putting on myself. But I’m aware of it at least.

Upon further reflection(this is 2 days later) I realize what I was getting at. If you forget something, then it’s as though that thing never happened. In my experience anyway. Some of the time it’s even a strong sense of loss, disproportionate to the scope of the thing. All of us humans are in a place of remembering and forgetting daily. We might not even make note of it, we’re just so used to it.

For me, once I remember something that was important to me, I mourn the time that it was lost to me. I have a lot of pleasant memories, and the ones that stand out to me the most when I recall them are from when I was 19-21. I was raised Mormon (not a member anymore) so I was sent on a proselytizing mission to Bulgaria of all places. I met so many wonderful people there, walked along old streets, castles, ruins, had amazing, cheap food, and many more. The days were full of activity and missionaries were always in pairs so I was always sharing the experience with someone. Those 2 years were the fullest time of my life, but time erodes at memories relentlessly. The mission was 11 years ago, a long time for things to slip through the cracks. I spent some time a few months ago looking around the cities I lived in through Google Earth, and the recovery of my memories was overwhelming. I had entirely forgotten people I’d spent hours and hours talking with. I cried while looking at my computer screen.

I have a very active mind, and I feel things very strongly. I don’t like forgetting things. Having the thought or the feeling in the first place is an investment and expenditure of energy and time. Losing it is regrettable from an efficiency standpoint, but that is not my point. We are all shaped by our past experiences. I reflect often on the events that led me to here and now, and what changes have occurred in me over time. It’s important to me to remember. But so much is lost. It’s inevitable. We are not computers with complete and instant retrieval of data. Journals, pictures, videos. Those help. But I would wager the things I’ve learned and then forgotten outnumber what I remember three times over at least. The people I’ve met and enjoyed sharing time with. The moments that inspire awe and gratitude. Forgetting is part of being human and I still need to come to terms with that. I just wish I could remember more and forget less.