Dopamine mode vs discipline mode

I’ve been struggling for basically my whole life with this, and it might just be an ailment that affects us all. For most of the last 6 years, I’ve been indulging in dopamine mode so much that even thinking of trying to switch into discipline mode is rare and uncomfortable. It wasn’t always this way, of course. It feels like any muscle or skill, if you fall out of it then it weakens and becomes difficult. Mine is an extreme case.

It bothers me for a lot of reasons, obviously. I don’t want to be too hard on myself as life has already been rough enough. But I want to try more to switch modes. I have so many interests and things big and small that I want to do for myself and just to do in general. I’m interested in self-help books, writing, running, ping-pong, foreign languages, the list goes on. The amount of time I’ve spent with these activities has been close to nil for longer than I like to talk about. Back in college the balance was a little better, but I’ve always struggled with putting more effortful tasks first. The immediate reward of the dopamine mode is just sooo attractive to my brain. It’s likely my ADHD, but even meds don’t get me very far. The problem of course, is that my desires don’t match my behavior. I get frustrated and disappointed in myself. I’ve definitely retreated further into entertainment just to avoid grappling with this dissonance.

It’s not just the behavior gap, it’s the fulfillment that I lack. I know intellectually that discpline mode makes me feel accomplished, satisfied in myself, and there’s a weight to it that sticks around in me. Whereas games and videos juice me up moment to moment but closing them immediately leaves me empty. If it was just logic dictating my behavior there would be no problem. But life is nuanced and complicated and I want to improve my understanding of myself in order to better access discipline when I need it. Because I do need it, both for the necessary adulting that we need to function in society and for my own well-being. I need exercise. I need a better diet. I need something that lasts beyond the moment to think about, plan ahead for, and feel genuinely satisfied about. Writing this right now is one such thing.

I know my environment plays a big role. Having a book or notebook readily available reduces the entry level of effort. Having running clothes ready to put on in the morning too. Holding myself accountable to others has been a mixed bag, unfortunately. I’m still trying it though. Habit stacking is so important too. Even if I get tired or want to quit and switch, if I go into dopamine mode it is soooo hard to get out of it. But I don’t want to bite off more than I can chew and relapse to be worse. I want my efforts to be sustainable both for these habits themselves and for my long-term well-being. It feels like I’m threading the smallest needle. I have consistently overestimated my abilities in the past which has led to burnout. Very yucky. But other times I give myself leeway and compromises to the point that I fail to stick to the habits at all.

But dopamine has its place. Relaxation, winding down, enjoying something simply. Most would agree that technology has hyper-sensitized us to dopamine and that makes everyday tasks harder. I don’t scroll social media but my own case of dopamine seeking is still severe. I kinda like the idea of cold turkey for a month. It would be weird and hard. But the reset might be worthwhile, I’ll have to look into how effective it actually is.