Knowing limits

So this is one thing I need soooo much catching up with. I understand intellectually that I need rest after intensity, or time after a busy day. But really seeing that limit growing near or being hit is a new sense I’m trying to gain. It is so hard. For years and years I’ve construed getting tired or slowing down as a character failing, a flaw in my discipline or frame of mind. If only I was less of a loser I could keep going and finish things. I feel so bad when I do that to myself. And it’s not really much better, yet.

I’m a big fan of talking to myself out loud; living solo and all it’s become quite the habit. Like today, it’s new years. I spent about 14 hours with someone yesterday and had an amazing time. Zero regrets. The part I’m changing is how I acknowledge to myself that I need a bit of recuperation after that. Interacting with anyone for any stretch of time uses up some energy. I want to be real with myself about it. To remind my bully of a brain that I’m not superhuman.

If anyone I know described my example just now, I’d be unfazed if they talked about feeling a little taxed afterwards or needing to recharge. In my case I have a couple things to do today. Have I done them yet? No. Will I? Maybe, maybe not. And I’m telling myself that it’s ok to exist in that space. I’m not a failure today. I’m tired today. It’s a good tired, but overlooking it and pretending I can be as on top of things as always is insane. If I had to do things today I could. I can manage doing everything I set out to today, but I’m not mad at myself anymore if I don’t. At least, I’m trying to not be mad. Reckoning with your context on any given day takes a lot of honesty. And I think there is some nuance to it that I don’t get yet. Some sort of space where I can push myself despite my low energy but still take good care of myself. Maybe that’s crazy talk idk. I’m not there yet.