Relationships

Dating. short-term, long-term, forever. It’s a really complex thing. In my experience, these relationships specifically really show you who you are and where you’re at mentally and emotionally. The more time I spend with someone, the more comfortable and familiar it feels. It pulls down facades and kills any conscious or subconscious performative behavior. Eventually. I’m in a relationship right now so I’m being reminded of this in a big way. I notoriously expect a lot of myself (too much) and it becomes unsustainable. In a good way. It makes me reckon with my mood, my wants and needs, and the reality that if I don’t act on those in some way then I’m dooming the relationship and my own participation in it. I made that error in a past relationship and it suuuucked.

More than anything else, I like being with people. To the point that I don’t always make space for myself when I’m with them. It’s not a fully conscious decision by any stretch. I internalized from an early age that what I want or need is not important. The status quo and keeping others stable or happy took its place. Depressing right? It’s been a long time living in those habits and patterns. That’s one of the reasons why I’m so grateful to be in a relationship now. It’s allllll coming out and I get to practice changing this part of myself. It’s uncomfortable as anything I’ve ever done, to be frank. And I’ve done a lot of very uncomfortable things in order to become more myself.

Making a request of whoever I’m dating carries so much weight to it. Nothing mundane, obviously. And I so badly want to change this behavioral pattern. I’ve been working on intentionally acknowledging a want or need as it comes up and acting on it immediately. This is leagues harder when a very important person is involved. I successfully did so last night though! Big win. It forced me to be brutally honest with myself regarding my fear of vulnerability and actually asking something from someone else. Again, not a conscious decision to feel that way. God knows I would not choose this bs for myself.

I am so glad to be going through this nonetheless. I am trying to become a person who embraces opportunities to grow, no matter what. It takes a lot out of me, to say the least. But it is always worth it. Remembering that in the moment is not a habit I’ve acquired yet. In time, it will get easier. Positive, reassuring self-talk is in full force right now lol. It’s good.

It helps a lot that my girlfriend is very kind and sweet. It would be quite the different tone and journal entry if she wasn’t. She’s helping me listen to myself better and she’s giving me space to have and express my needs. It’s such a relief that it was a positive experience and I felt seen and accepted in a way I hadn’t let myself be before. That’s the power of a good relationship and it’s the absolute best! Again, it shows you where you’re at. Every aspect of you gets revealed, given enough time. And the more in tune with yourself you are the healthier the relationship can be for both people.