I am enough

Up until 2 weeks ago, I never once believed or thought that. I’ve been in therapy for what amounts to 5 of the last 7 years, and the topic has come up more than once. In all that time it never registered with me; that the belief “I’m not enough” was running every aspect of my life. It crystallized for me 2 weeks ago when I was cuddling with a friend (Cuddling is just as important as food and water in my unbiased opinion) and it wasn’t a bolt of lightning or a light bulb. It was a puzzle piece sliding into place. It was revealing the center of a complex web of problems I’ve been noticing for years but could never truly address. The clarity was startling and very welcome. I felt such relief with this deeper understanding of what had been going on. It’s all so simple now. Not easy, but simple.

A few weeks before realizing this, I was already hot on the trail. I was talking with my therapist about noticing an ever-present need to provide value and earn my friendships. It was a never-ending climb towards what has only ever been a fleeting sense of “I did good today. I didn’t upset them, they laughed, they smiled, I’m okay.” Be considerate of their needs and comfort at all times. Be aware of your words and if they’re upsetting or confrontational. And be so quick to couch your words or to reframe them in case you screw up. Don’t take up space. Don’t express what you want to do or where you want to go. Don’t refuse others’ suggestions of what they want to do because you don’t want to. On and on and on and on. Whenever I inevitably “messed up” like we humans do, the emotional fallout was immediate and intense. I would freeze up. I would shrink. It felt like the world was collapsing around me. The guilt and shame struck me to my core and was always disproportionate to the mistake.

I didn’t know why all this was so ingrained in me. As far back as I can remember this is the way I’ve been. Now I finally understand why. The constant striving to prove to others and to myself that I’m enough was futile. Their validation, approval, support, and love always bounced off and just wouldn’t sink in. I felt broken. I still do, mostly. 30 years of this belief aren’t going away soon. But I can see the way through now. Instead of looking for evidence that I’m enough, I just am. I accept that I am enough. When these patterns come up, I can catch them in the act, sometimes. More than before. And each time I’m slowly chipping away at the narrative and replacing it with the truth. I am enough because I am. Immutable, irrevocable.

This wasn’t the only negative belief holding me back. I have yet to uncover all of them, and each one is a long road to becoming healthy and whole. I’m so glad that I finally figured out one of them.