Hello again again(?)

It’s been a while. When I’m depressed and go in survival mode, no part of me wants to keep up with stuff like this. Everything becomes difficult, draining, and overwhelming and I hardly even remember that I have this blog. It won’t surprise you then, that I am feeling better as of a few days ago. I think it’s my medication kicking in, which is a relief. I hope it lasts but can’t be sure.

Even when I’m depressed, I still find enjoyment or respite in some things. I tend to gloss over that because I get such a strong negativity bias I can’t even see reality clearly. Emotional lability is a monster, especially if it’s an intense emotion like despair. The lows always seem to overshadow the highs. I want to find a more middle area with less peaks and troughs so that my mood doesn’t make or destroy my day before it’s even begun.

I love spring. Winter isn’t all bad, but the sunset at 4 or 5 pm and the cold itself deterring outside activity (for me anyway) makes the seasonal change such a relief like no other. Life blossoms and explodes and the contrast from the white snow and grey skies to so much green is healing to me. Going outside is no longer an effort to bundle up and still be cold but rather an attractive and relaxing time. The wind and air feel different, the sun feels more impactful, idk. It’s magical. Spring is special because of the winter.

I might need to consider moving to a more moderate climate if this winter trend continues. I feel a sense of foreboding even in September. Seeing the world cool down and leaves changing color means winter is near. Whereas spring says to me, “it’s ok, you have me now and afterwards it’ll be even warmer. The cold can’t hurt you anymore”. Very reassuring. I wish it didn’t affect my behavior and mood so much. I know life is full of ups and downs but a multi-month downswing is a real pickle. I can only recall 1 winter in the last 8 years that was memorably positive at times. That ain’t good. If only life were as simple as moving to a different climate without having to consider politics and natural disasters, among other things.

Life isn’t simple. I resent that. Relationships of any kind are especially difficult for me. I overthink, I worry, and I fear. I sometimes feel suffocated by the turmoil that goes on inside my mind. I know it’s something that I can change. Slowly, eventually. I’m scared of doing the work. I don’t feel very confident I can sustain the effort to learn new skills and integrate them. I’m intimidated by how long it will take. And so on. BUT. If nothing changes, then nothing changes. I am intimately familiar with the results of my day-to-day behavior currently, and I am dissatisfied. I know it can be much better.