You have it all within you

Somehow this rings so true within me. It certainly wasn’t something I believed at all for all of my life. But recently it really turned around. Describing it is tough, but I’d say it is both a feeling of personal resilience as well as trust. I can handle whatever comes in my life and I have the power to change, adapt, overcome and find solutions and acceptance. It’s hard to articulate the depth of feeling that it gives. I used the word resonate because it goes deeper than my mind. I don’t particularly care to say I feel it in my soul but those might be the best words. I feel secure in a way I’ve not before.

This changed for me a couple months ago and it is just so powerful and comforting. I never expected it. I’m so grateful for it. I used to look outside myself for help in all cases and scenarios. I didn’t trust myself or rely on myself at all. Now I do. Not that I’ve abandoned relying on others, that’d be crazy talk. But more importantly I’m able to really feel that I can do things for me too.

One of the ways I’ve felt this repeatedly is when I sit down and talk to myself. It starts out as a vocalized stream of consciousness and sometimes that’s all. Other times I end up talking to what I perceive as my young traumatized self still doing her best to survive threats that are no longer there. In either case I always feel better afterwards. Which is nice but not the main reason I do it. I do it to listen to my current worries and understand them better. I tell my younger self that we’ll get through this together and it actually helps. Blows my mind. It’s still new to me ya know. I’ve tried self talk before and it fell flat but I’m getting through to myself. It’s magical. I’m discovering so many important things and I can’t believe what I was missing out on. Quite frankly, I didn’t know life could feel this good. I’m still a stressy mess, don’t get me wrong. But I’m more than just a mess and I can do something about the mess.

I wish I understood exactly how this came about. I know how badly I needed to feel this way sooner and I’m sure other depressed and helpless-feeling people would benefit. The best guess I have is that I began listening to myself more. If I feel anxious or stressed and not sure what to do or think about it, I sit down and talk it out. Even if it’s just vocalizing my thoughts, it’s a way I show up for myself. My younger, traumatized, and scared self sees that and feels better afterwards. About half of the time I would say I do get more clarity about what I’m feeling and thinking, and a quarter of the time I realize what I want to do about it. It’s a complete game-changer for me, knowing that if something’s bothering me, I can find some amount of soothing and comfort from me. It’s really done wonders to minimize the hopelessness that was so present before.