Presence

My first exposure to this concept at all was my first therapy sessions in 2018. I was able to feel the difference in my mood from a few minutes of focusing on my breath. There was one particular occasion where I had absolutely no thoughts at all. It was brief, but for the first time ever, I had a break from my racing mind. I was extremely depressed at the time and for a majority of the next several years, but one of the bright periods was accentuated by doing a breathing practice for 15 minutes first thing in the morning before work. I was inspired at the time by the book “The Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle. Again, the change in my mood and outlook on life was markedly improved. That was in the summer of 2020. In the years since, one of my tools of self-criticism was knowing what meditation did for me yet not following through and doing it. It soured my opinion of myself even further with a feeling of constant failure. “Feeling better is only 5-10 minutes away”; but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

In the last 2 months, a lot has changed about all of that, fortunately.

This principle in practice can look different for everyone. As I’ve been trying to incorporate this more often, I find it is easiest and most beneficial if I do 2 basic things. I will take awareness of my body. Every part of it that is touching something, I try to zone in on that part. So my legs are crossed right now, and I “look” into my left thigh both touching my right leg and being touched by it. And that’s it. Might sound weird but hey, it works. It takes only a minute or two for me to scan my body like this. Funnily enough, it takes my full attention and so while I’m scanning, that’s the only thing going on. And that’s the other basic thing I do. I lean into whatever is currently happening. It feels the most impactful if I’m with another person. Really listening without prepping a response. Using my phone as little as possible or not at all. Helping them feel I am fully there. In this way I’m both helping myself and them.

Some people do an active meditation or diaphragmatic breathing, and set aside a period of time for it. That’s lovely. I’ve done that a handful of times in the past and it feels great! Personally though, it is so hard for me to start such activities knowing I have to set aside time, move into a position, have no distractions around, and commit to it. I am much more consistent with my approach, and that may change. I feel good about what I’m doing now, and I want to do it more.

It’s just so serene, doing nothing except what’s right in front of you. I am very prone to thinking about the future. Hundreds of times a day, even just a few seconds at a time, I anticipate things, worry about people or interactions with them, and so on. Maybe that’s why it feels so incredible to not do that. The contrast is so stark.

I fail at it a lot. I don’t remember to do it “enough”. But I am doing it and I acknowledge where I’m at. I think that’s another, less talked about aspect of presence. Being with yourself as you are. This does take knowing yourself and your capacity, your limits, and your energy levels. I’m definitely still working on that. But even in my incomplete understanding, it is enough to enable me to self-soothe and disregard unrealistic expectations.

And most of all, doing this is slowly helping me outside of my present moment practice. It is near imperceptible, but I can tell my mind races a little less. Pulling myself away from future worries is a tiny bit easier. I am greatly looking forward to continuing this and seeing even more benefit and feeling even more peace. It’s another piece of my happiness puzzle.