Love and Connection

I’ve always treasured the company of people I’m close with. It’s given me time away from my troubles and that feeling of connection, belonging, and care for each other is my favorite thing in the world, bar none. I have been aware of this part of me for a long time now. When I was 20, it dawned on me both that I like people and how much I like them. I had a really hard time embracing it fully, despite that. I have been an extremely self-conscious and anxious person. Afraid of rejection and abandonment. Worried people were just indulging me and not actually enjoying my company. Despite this, my need and urge to give to people and uplift them was stronger. And in the years since realizing this part of me, I’ve been working to be in reality instead of my mind. People do like me and want to have me around. God knows I wouldn’t just “indulge” someone in my life if I didn’t like them. That’s not something other people would do either. I’ve gotten to a place where I can almost “bask” in my enjoyment of people and put the noise in the background. And now love and connection have become my purpose in life.

Again, this change was sudden. It started when I was watching some videos of NDE experiencers telling their story. Over and over again, they shared the overwhelming love they felt while dead and the absolute importance of creating that same love in our lives. Spiritually speaking, that struck such a chord in me of truth. It resonated with the deepest part of my being, unironically. It was like it completed my puzzle of what I want to do in life, who I want to be, and how I want to live. It gave me the clearest sense of priorities and purpose I’ve ever had.

And in the time since then(about 2 months ago), I’ve felt that truth continue to manifest. Previously, I was quite good at self-loathing, and it’s still baked into parts of my brain. But I can see it when it happens, and be compassionate and soothing to myself in ways I did not ever think I would be capable of. I feel powerful when I’m with myself, and comfortable, more importantly. I was at the mercy of my mind and could not stop it. The love I heard from those NDEs permeated my being and it kinda cleansed me honestly. I am starting almost from scratch, but it is a clear path forward to loving myself. That is where I must start and where I am getting the most benefit. Every time I take time to be with myself and listen, talk, and just be without expectations or concerns is seriously healing. This is the first time in my life I’ve felt this way. It feels so warm and soft and relieving too. I have the ability in me to help myself, without any outside help. SO CRAZY!!!

Tapping into my desires and acting on them is simultaneously really fun and quite an effort. Managing my expectations and reminding myself I have nothing to be afraid of is slowly but surely making it easier. Non-judgement, patience, acceptance, and looking for the joy in it and not the outcome. Increasing my awareness and compassion. Not chiding myself for getting it wrong but consoling myself when the fears come out. All a part of my journey so far and so very worth it. Even writing all this out is still surreal, that I am capable and thriving and yes it is real. Realer than real.

At the same time, I’ve been practicing being better in my relationships. It is a practice in tandem, where my treatment of myself influences how I am with others. With mixed results and lots of mistakes or too much focus on getting everything exactly correct right now. But I’m learning. Being present in the moment and feeling grateful for them. Spectacular. Expressing my appreciation for their time, their talents, acknowledging their worth. So fulfilling. I think that’s what is fueling me thus far. How alive this all makes me feel, and how whole. Being suicidal most of the last 4 years to this? Nothing short of miraculous. And the intensity of love or the absolute priority of it in my life does ebb and flow. It is impossible to expect to feel so strongly all the time. However, the frequency of these feelings makes it so apparent to me that I am living better than I ever have.

Now I do know I have a lot of love still to grow into. It’s a delicate balance that I want to figure out before I can really dive into pure love if that makes sense. I tend towards all-or-nothing thinking and perfectionism, so I want to be careful. Like I need to practice boundaries and keeping my needs #1 but I eventually want to be able to think or look at someone and feel a sense of love for them, even strangers. Pretty damn far away I imagine.

P.S.
Ok so check this out. I am currently looking for the source but I have a lecture from years ago talking about happiness and life satisfaction. I won’t go into it here but one of the few listed as having the largest correlation is close relationships with others. It also lists self-esteem, which, ya know, duh. But it’s in the same wheelhouse. Having a good relationship with yourself is just as important.